Yes, you read that correctly – I came out, and I’m coming out for a second time in the space of five years. If you had told me I’d be doing this 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have even believed I would have been coming out once, let alone twice. Although I knew deep down I was attracted to women in some shape or form, in my mind I somehow thought it was ‘just a phase.’
In 2011, I came out as bisexual to my dad by text whilst at college so I didn’t have to return home if he took it badly, which I think was quite a smart move by my 20 year old self. My online friends knew for quite some time seeing as they were the ones I was basically debating it with (aka me annoying them with how much I was talking about it).
Now it’s been about five years since that happened, and in January of this year, I came out as gay. Why, you ask? It had been on my mind for the past couple of years, sort of a niggling thought, but also glaringly obvious. I just seemed to write it off to me over-thinking stuff, which many people say I do (it’s true…but I can’t help it! My middle name should be ‘worrier’). I wanted to get the things clouding my judgement off my chest, which is funny because the post I was originally writing was about sexuality and how it’s fluid and why we should just be happy with who we are and not care about labels – and then this happened.
Yep, I came out as gay on my blog and to some friends. One person in particular made it difficult to hold back the tears when I came out as bisexual on my blog at uni, so when I was talking to him about this new post as I was writing it, my god tears were shed. Do you ever have those moments where you realise just how amazing some of the people in your life are? That was one of those moments.
The reason it was a niggling thought in my mind was because I kept thinking: “Am I liking guys as well purely because we’re all raised to be attracted to the opposite gender? Has the media and the way we’re raised really conditioned us that much that anything that isn’t the norm to mainstream society is obviously wrong, or bad?’ This felt silly, considering I’d been out for a few years at this point, but it’s kind of true, isn’t it? What society deems to be the ‘correct’ thing is hard to get out of your mind and when what you are feeling or how you look is ‘wrong’ from the mainstream POV, it can be difficult to get let it stop bothering you. It’s frightening how much certain things in the world around us can shape people, and not necessarily in a good way.
Anyway, that’s another rant for another day. I realised that sure, I get along with guys but I don’t see myself in a romantic or sexual relationship with one. To be truthful it kind of made me shudder thinking about it, whereas I feel more comfortable with women. Plus, nine times out of 10 the crushes or attractions I’ve had are for women; there’s a big clue for you.
However, the thing I’m most nervous about is coming out to my family again. It’ll happen in time but I can count on both hands how near I’ve come to coming out to the people close to me. Come to think of it, I have never verbally come out. I’ve talked about my sexuality with people, but not actually come out. I think talking about it in person is great, but I’m very apprehensive to do so. I am worried about telling certain people because I know they will judge, regardless of them saying they wouldn’t.
The past couple of years have got me resorting to the old interwebs to try and find videos of bisexual individuals that may have come out as gay, or anything that would help me to figure out who the heck I am, and it’s been quite a fruitless journey. I’ve maybe not searched the depths of the Internet to find the answers, but it’s scary being in a seemingly lonely situation like this. I know earlier in this post I said sexuality is fluid, but in my mind, I like to label myself; I like to know who I am in my old noodle and it’s one area of my life in which I need organisation of some kind.
Overall, I feel a lot happier in myself since coming out to friends and on my blog; there’s still the hurdle to come out to my family, but that will happen in time. However, I do feel that getting it out there has helped me a little in regards to my mental health because I’m someone who bottles things up without realising, and a problem shared really is a problem halved. 2016 is the year I want to start getting things out in the open, instead of letting them build up. It is a continual process that will probably continue for the rest of my life.
– Meg Siobhan