Fiction / satire / sexism

A Pocket Guide To Earth

Congratulations! You’ve been selected for temporary re-location to Earth. You may have already seen pictures of human beings, but if not please turn to page 982,627,524,343,738, appendix 293,638,362. Please be aware, these images can cause distress.

Now you’ve seen one, you’ll need to look the part; gangly limbs, absurd distribution of fat and muscle, and even stranger distribution of fur. Before boarding the vessel you’ll be given a human suit. This may feel strange at first but you should adapt in a short time. You’ll need to look after this suit as a human being would, so we’ve put together a list of helpful ways you might maintain your new ‘body’ in order to fit in.

  • Bathe regularly – once every Earth year should be sufficient
  • Shaving of fur – this is extremely complicated and needs to be broken down further:
    • Male: DO NOT shave the limbs, crease under the arms which we believe is called the ‘armpit,’ or chest. Keeping fur on these areas is known as ‘manly’ which they believe is good. Hair growing on the face is known as a ‘beard.’  Beware of letting this grow unless you opt to be a ‘hipster’ (see chapter 146) or a ‘bum’ (see chapter 147)
    • Female: DO shave the legs, armpits and area around the genitals. If hair grows on the chest or face, it means it is a defect and you should discard the suit immediately. Failure to do so can result in irrational violent responses from the humans including flogging, mutilation and castration. Hair is expected to be long or you risk looking like a so-called ‘dyke’ (we are still doing extensive research into this terminology and will report back soon)
  • Clothing – this is worn on top of the suit, which may take a little getting used to! Clothing is primarily used to conceal certain ‘private’ areas of the body, although the area where we will be landing, the USA, doesn’t seem too strict about this. Again this can be broken down into male and female form:
        • Male – DO cover the genitals and upper legs at least. If it’s hot it is acceptable to expose the chest in public
        • Female – DO NOT expose the chest in a public area. This can result in irrational violent responses from the humans including flogging, mutilation and castration. The exception to this rule is if there is a camera in a close vicinity and it is likely to make you money (a bizarre concept at the fundamental core of the human existence. See chapters, 6 to 135.
  • Body modifications – we understand that you may want to make your suit your own, but please do so with caution. Appearances are governed by a powerful entity called the ‘media’. It is mandatory that you pay attention to ensure you fit in. The important rule is: don’t do anything too far from what is seen as ‘normal’, or this may result in flogging, mutilation and castration.
  • Maintenance – with an array of consumables available on Earth, you need to be aware of the implications to your suit. Watch what you eat; if your new ‘body’ gets too large we cannot guarantee a new suit will be available for exchange. Swelling of the suit is known as being ‘fat’ and can result in not just flogging but also projectile vomiting and beheadings.

Screen Shot 2015-05-31 at 13.18.27

There are many diseases on Earth, some leading to something the humans call ‘death’. You need not worry as this is merely a human state of mind. However, diseases should still be avoided due to the physical pain they may cause, but more importantly as they may askew so-called ‘attractive’ appearances resulting in flogging, mutilation and castration.

Members of staff will be handing out free copies of Heat magazine on boarding the vessel. This publication is greatly honoured human publication and should be followed with extreme vigilance in order to fit in. You will also be given money and grooming products.

  • Females – You are expected to groom the fur on the head (you can visit such things as ‘hair stylists’ – we think these are human but we are still researching), and apply make-up on the face.  Please see appendix 272,53 for the obligatory ‘mascara application face.’
  • Males – DO NOT apply make-up as you will be known as a ‘ponce’, which is likely to result in flogging, mutilation and castration.

On arrival on Earth please visit a ‘shopping mall’ – this is a place where you can get clothes (made by small, poor or other reject humans) for the exchange of much more money than was spent on making them. You may think this sounds like a bizarre, cruel concept and decide to make your own instead, but we would advise against it as this may result in flogging, mutilation and castration.

We hope you enjoy your new human suit. There is much fun to be had with it (see ‘sex’ – chapters 159 to 502) but please be careful not to puncture, burn or stretch the skin. Replacement suits take a minimum of 10 working days for delivery. You are expected to take photographs of your suit for uploading and registration on the Earth government database known as ‘Facebook’.

Please do not get too attached to your new suit. Many others have suffered SDS – Suit Dependency Syndrome – and have been trapped on Earth forever. You must return before the effects of ‘ageing’ set in. From research it has proved to be a horrendous human experience; you lose your senses, start to smell strange, lose control of your bowels and are cast out of society, locked away in a special prison with pastel wall paper and cups of tea*.

Good luck, and be safe out there!

 

*CAUTION; TEA!!! As you will be aware from your prior training, tea must be avoided at all costs. It is a very popular human beverage and can be masked in many different ways.  A copy of ‘Tea; The Silent Killer’ will be given to you before boarding the vessel.

 

MEL CIAVUCCO
Author. Blogger. Screenwriter. Feminist. Likes cooking, yoga and cinema but not all at the same time.

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